Friday, November 12, 2010

Fertility is fickle

Well, Keith and I found out a few months ago that we're expecting another baby in May. We are thrilled beyond belief. We've always wanted a semi-big family (not Duggar big, but enough to keep things busy and interesting) and we can't wait to meet our newest member. What I haven't told most people though, is that this baby took us 10 months to conceive. True, that isn't very long, but it felt like forever to us.

At the risk of over-sharing, Jory was conceived just a mere 2 weeks after we got married and we were actively NOT trying to have a baby. After getting over the initial shock, we were super thrilled though. With Ryder, we decided to have a baby in August and by September we had a positive pregnancy test. So I just assumed that we were very fertile and the minute we thought about getting pregnant, we could do it.

This last year has been a really hard one for me. At first, we stayed positive and kept telling ourselves that this is normal, that we're getting a little older and that it's going to happen eventually. But after months and months of waiting, I have to admit that I lost my optimism. I just felt that something was really wrong and this wasn't just going to resolve. I felt like my body was failing me and I was angry at it. After the angry feelings left, I just felt depressed. I absolutely gave up hope.

However, there were some good things that came with this trial. For one, I looked at my children totally differently. They weren't just something that my husband and I gave each other, they weren't a deserved right that came along with marriage. They were a gift from God, and I was so so so lucky to have them. Now, really, I always knew this, but I didn't think about it as often as I do now. When I would feel sad or frustrated, I would look at them and think about how grateful I should be.

Secondly, I learned patience. I learned that life doesn't always happen the way you plan it to. Again, I knew this all along, but it was certainly reinforced. I realized that looking to the future can be great, but we can spend so much time looking to the future that sometimes we forget to love the present. It reminds me of Dr. Suess' "Oh, the places you'll go!" book and the waiting room. "Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting." (I LOVE that book by the way) but I learned not to focus too much on what I want in life and just appreciate what I have.

I looked around at people in my life who have had trouble with conceiving and I feel like I can understand just a teensy fraction of what they are going through,. (although not even close because I already have 2 healthy children, I know) My heart breaks for them. I also learned to shake off the "It's about time for you guys to have another one!!" comments that at first made me want to cry. I vow to never say that to anyone. EVER.

Lastly, I learned to just trust in my Heavenly Father and know that what happens is for the best. I am independent by nature and have a hard time not just trying to solve everything by myself. Keith and I started researching fertility doctors in August and finally made some calls and stopped by the office. They wanted me to fill out some extensive and very personal health history forms before they even made an appointment. They sent me home with a packet and stapled to the very top was the list of prices. Our stomachs sunk when we saw the prices and realized our insurance covered NONE of it. We absolutely couldn't afford it.

It was about this time when we talked in Young Women's about relying on our Savior. We had to journal about a trial we had been through and how we had done all we could do and left the rest to our Savior, who was there to help carry our burdens. This really hit me hard because I realized that I was in the middle of such a burden but I was trying to take it on all by myself. I then started praying that I felt I had done absolutely everything I could do and that I couldn't do it anymore and I began to share that burden. It was a strange feeling, letting go of the control and trusting in my Heavenly Father to help me overcome the rest. But I did, and just a few weeks later found out I was pregnant.

The relief was not immediate, I expected at this point that something would go wrong, or I had a horrible fear of miscarriage, or a hysterical pregnancy like I saw on Glee....and I still haven't shaken that completely. But I've heard the heartbeat, so I know there's really something in there. And I'm trying to have faith that everything is going to work out. I'm so grateful for this chance I have to bring another child into our home. I will not take it for granted ever again. I won't look at motherhood the same again. I don't care if it's a boy or a girl, I just want the child to be healthy and come here safely. I've learned to never assume that things won't happen to me. And I will love this child like it's my last because who knows what the future holds.

12 comments:

  1. Stacy! I'm sorry for all the times I might have said you should have another kid. It's only because Joryder are so stinking cute and adorable, I wanted a new one to play with too. I'm so happy that everything is going well right now, and Alia and I pray for you that everything will be alright with Numero 3. We love you!

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  2. What a touching post! I'm so happy for you and it is hard to just put things in Heavenly Father's hands. Congrats!!!!! Everyone is having #3, maybe I should jump on the band wagon... ok, not yet. Lol

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  3. Dearest Stacy. I understand the things you are saying. I got pregnant with Matt when I had been married six weeks. "Wow," I thought. "That was pretty easy...and very unexpected." (Long story). When we tried for the next one, it took a year before I got pregnant. I remember being so sad and desperate. I was so lonely for a new baby and everywhere I looked, there were little babies who were not MY new baby. To fill the baby void I even started babysitting for a woman who had a little girl and a brand new baby boy. This mom would dump the children off at my house and say, "I'm glad you have them today and not me." "Yeah, it's probably a good thing," I would think. These were sweet children, but I soon discovered that they couldn't make up for the emptiness of having my own baby in my arms. Matt became more and more dear to me.

    Finally, after a year of trying, I got pregnant with Tricia. I was thrilled to be able to have another baby. After she was born I felt on top of the world. I had two children and it was the greatest thing EVER!

    Then thoughts of having the third baby started niggling at my mind. Tricia was only about six months old, but I kept remembering that it had taken us a year to get pregnant with her. So, we decided to ummm...not stop a baby from coming. The first year passed without a pregnancy and I started to feel anxious. The second year brought visits to the doctor with my mood spiraling down. We had moved into a new neighborhood full of children. We had a GIANT sized primary. Fast and testimony meeting was filled with baby blessings. And yes, people would say things about me only having two children. Mean-spirited and judgemental things. "How many children do you have?" "I have two." "How old are they?" "5 and 2." "You really space your children out. Are you going to have any more?" or they would give me 'the look', the one that said "You are not doing what the Lord wants you to do. You are one of THOSE kinds of women who delays having children." It killed me every time.

    In the third year of trying to have another baby, I finally went on fertility meds. Everything became so clinical. Take my pill every day, take my temperature, wait for my temperature to go up ever so slightly, do the do, wait, have a period, get more depressed, and start all over again. After six months I stopped ovulating, so they doubled my dose of Clomid and I really began to lose hope.

    There was a group of women with whom I used go walking in the mornings. We would talk about our children. I didn't have much to say. The others had stories about their 4, 5, or 6 children. I felt out of place and wished that I was at home hugging my two precious children instead of out walking with the other moms who were trying to escape their children for a while. One day one of the women announced that she was pregnant with number 6. She could get pregnant at exactly the moment she wanted to get pregnant. I hated her. (Not really 'hated' but you know what I mean.) Then a couple of weeks later she had a miscarriage and she was devastated. From some strange, resentful place inside of me I thought, "Oh stop your whining. You'll be pregnant again next month and I'll still be not pregnant." I was right. I stopped walking with those women.

    Eventually, through the strangest of divine interventions, I got pregnant with Katie. I still marvel at the whole thing, but that is another story. Just believe me when I say that it was a miracle.

    So Stacy, I understand how you feel. I've walked that path, too. Each child is a miracle and a blessing. My heart goes out to women who want babies and cannot have them. I have 3 and although I wish that things would have gone a little differently, I am at peace. And I am so happy for you and Keith.

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  4. Wow, Stace. I don't think I've ever heard you talk so openly but I'm glad you did! I'm sorry that things were so rough! Your story is definitely unique because of your first two "easy" pregnancies. It's great how things work out though. Congratulations! Wouldn't that be fun if we had two little girls? They'd be like our own "Em and Tucker" duo!

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  5. would an em and tucker duo be good? how bout a paul and alex? eh?

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  6. Wow, cool post Stacy. Thanks for sharing. I'm SO happy for you guys! You have really cute kids, I'm sure you know that.

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  7. This is beautiful Stacy. Thank you so much for sharing. What a testimony builder. I'm sure all things happen for a reason. We are all so excited for you!

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  8. That made me cry. What a great perspective to grow into....being grateful for what we have in this moment. I love seeing your underlying testimony in this post. You're awesome, Stacy, and I'm so happy for you. Your growing nugget will be in our prayers. :)

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  9. aw stace! i'm sure i was one of those "it's time for another one" kinda people. i'm sorry! i really am so so excited and i do pray for my new nieces or nephews everyday! i'm so happy that you were intended for at least 1 more! somehow i'll manage to stretch my heart even more for the next one. annnnd as for you alex, an "em and tuck" duo would be the best! we were stinkin cute kids.

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  10. You made me teary! You always suffer in silence and carry your burdens alone. I hope that I was sensitive to you during this time. Your faith and perspective from this experience are profound. Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% what you make of it. You are making the most of your experiences. love you!

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  11. My heart breaks to know that such a great friend is going through these hard trials. You are a wonderful person and mom! Know that you are loved and your Heavenly Father truly understands and is there for you. I love you girl!

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  12. Thank you so much for your kind words on my blog! I love this post. I'm sorry for the difficult time you've had. I love your insight and intelligent thoughts on your trials, however. I'm so excited to see what your third baby looks like since you have exceptionally beautiful children already- and I'm not just saying that.
    Also? Barring close friends and family, why do people feel like they should say ANYTHING about how many kids others have? I've been getting those comments for a couple years now. I fail to see how my fertility is their business.

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